I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
