Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
