So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
