So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
