How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Dignity is for republicans.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
