you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
