i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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