mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
