And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
