why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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