the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I wish there were birth control emojis
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
