And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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