i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
i need some magic done to my vagina
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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