i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
