how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
