Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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