your parents love me but you hate me
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
