i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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