Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
