The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
