there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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