I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
that may or may not have been my penis.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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