She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
