even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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