In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
