You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
