omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
