Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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