im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
