I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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