people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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