I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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