There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
