The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
