Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
