Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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