still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My ass is underappreciated
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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