There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
