I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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