i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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