i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
