she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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