i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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