I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
