I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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