I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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