do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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