Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
