I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
