i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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