i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
