Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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