I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
