I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
