My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I need water and some morals
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
