Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize