In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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