Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He did a backflip because drugs
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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