SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
