I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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