that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
