she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
