So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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