Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
