I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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