guys are only as good as the porn they watch
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
